"The German"

The German

If only she could stretch, coil and sprang open the contours of her being right under a fully foliaged tree. All she would need, she decided finally, a bag of fresh ripe plums, perhaps some nuts and dates… then she, earth and the sun would become one and the past would bury itself.

            They met in the spring at a conference in Vermont. He was not particularly her type, but still she found him interesting and yet she was turned off at the same time. For one, his style of dress left little to be desired. Then there was a sort of arrogance about him. However, her curiosity in him overpowered everything else. Thoughts of him remained at the surface of her mind. In the beginning, she would roll her eyes in frustration, for allowing such thoughts, thoughts that were borderline intimate. Images of his wrist and lap kept going through her mind like movie stills and eventually these images grew into his eyes and smile. His eyes seemed so sincere.  It almost seemed like fate when he told her he would be able to transport her back to New York as he drove there. “Six hours,” he said, eyes dancing with amusement, it did not bother him, and he found driving therapeutic.  She could not resist. Hell, she almost wanted to leave a day early. “Get it together Riley,” she thought to herself. They still had two more days left at the conference and she was excited. Tomorrow would be his day to present his paper; she wondered what theories he would produce in his presentation. What was the title of his paper again? She knew it had something to do with the similarities in the culture of islanders, no; it was…How could she forget? Her own presentation on “Racial Masking for Advantage” was what sparked their conversation in the first place, that and the fact that they both taught for CUNY, he at City College and she at Hunter. This conversation led into the politics at each school and the CUNY system as a whole.  He was the Dean for the School of Liberal Arts and Education and she was an adjunct hoping to score a permanent spot.

            She told him how lucky he was to be secure, she on the other hand felt isolated and the bullshit bureaucracy would probably keep her feeling that way. One would be surprised at all the drama and backstabbing that went on in academia. All she wanted to do was teach! This he laughed at and said, “You can’t escape these things no matter where you are.” She knew this to be true. She did not know one person who loved every aspect of their career; at least she had one-sort of anyway.

            Driving back to New York, she was nervous. While she was happy she did not have to take a bus back, they would not have the busyness of the conference to fill any silence they might encounter. She felt almost like a teenager, but her nervousness soon subsided as they chatted up each other about personal business. He had received his PHD in American literature, in Germany at Bielefeld University. The way he talked about Germany, she was surprised he even came to America. “You sound like you really want to go back,” she said. “Yes,” he responded, “I loved it, but I wanted to branch out so to speak.”  He would go on and on about the culture in Germany, the way they dressed, the food they ate,  education, even down to how they cleaned their windows; often comparing and contrasting their lives to the lives of  Americans specifically African Americans. According to his description, one would have thought he had contempt for America. His talk of Germany disturbed her as he would make somewhat disparaging comments about African Americans, but she swept it to the back crevices of her mind. Surely, he did not have race issues-right? Perhaps it was nothing more than cultural differences. He appeared to be a good-natured person, his way of retelling his past, thick accent and all, was filled with excitement. Yes, he seemed authentic and Riley appreciated authenticity…

            The weeks that followed were identical to a tailspin. Riley and her new friend settled into a relationship, that she was very much excited about. She had started to prepare for him to meet her brother Niles, her only living relative and closest confidant. He seemed to be equally excited. However as the date drew close when Niles would come down from New England to visit, he began to come up with these “what if” scenarios. What if he was busy teaching? What if he had to tend to various issues at work-that might keep him from meeting Niles? It was all nonsensical, but she entertained him nonetheless assuring him that things would work out.

            Eventually, she started to regret making the suggestion. Maybe she should have kept Niles troubled past to herself. She, however, thought that they had established the kind of relationship where they could share such details. She told him almost everything. She a 32-year-old African American female was single never married, but engaged twice. Both times, she broke it off.  She had lived in Brooklyn for the past fifteen years, but grew up in both Harlem and Brooklyn. She had an MA from Temple University in African American studies, and minored in race theory.

            Her father was deceased and her mother was a recovering drug addict, before she lost her battle with cancer just two years earlier. Parts of her past still haunted her, but she had managed-for the most part to come to terms with it. It was a part of her life she could never escape it, and now she was sure she never wanted to. It was her deepest conviction that a person’s past good or bad shaped them. Her past not only shaped her it catapulted her into making a better life for herself.

            Yes, she had had a tumultuous childhood. Yes, her brother was almost ruined because of it, but they made it through. Niles, even more than herself was an extraordinary example of redemption and breakthrough. He dropped out of high school at sixteen, when he only had one year left before graduation. He was a tortured soul, his father was dead and his mother was an addict. So, he wanted to leave, saying he wanted to take his savings and go across country living off the grid. It was the silliest shit Riley had ever heard, and she told him just that. Still, she understood. She wanted to run away too, but where could she go? Fight or flight, Riley chose fight.

Niles did go; he left and wound up in Boston, where he has been ever since. Up in Boston he managed to graduate high school, and Boston University, where he received a BS in engineering; landed a high paying gig at a large firm, which he left 3 years later to open his own business providing services to public schools. Hell, he had done better than she had and she was proud of her little brother.

So, when her friend came up with another of his silly scenarios during a phone conversation, she told him that she changed her mind about his meeting her brother. She said that she wanted to spend quality time alone with her him, and it was best that they catch up later and hung up without saying goodbye. She was close to disgusted; who did he think he was? “Goddamn prick Urrgghhh!” she growled picking up the phone to slam it again. She was growing tired of him. His foolishness and words did not match. One thing Riley despised was back peddlers and future fakers. Why would he pretend to be all for meeting her brother, but come up with situations that would excuse him from doing so? It was exhausting and she did not have time for this bullshit.

Although Riley was not expecting Niles for at least another four days, she still avoided her friend. He called incessantly, but she refused to answer. “He could go chase himself,” she thought whenever she saw his number appear on her cell or home phone’s caller id. Above the anger, Riley was hurt because she let her wall down and allowed him in. Not only that, but his ideals were startling; he could not go a day without commenting on what he thought blacks needed to do right. If he interviewed an African American, he would come away with a snide comment about the persons education or credentials, then end it with, “These are your brothers and sisters. “It seemed he always had a racial comment and she did not know what to make of it from the start, but it slowly began to nag her. The comments he made were always negativity, masked in concern. She never really addressed it because she did not want to be the “Angry black woman,” with the bug up her ass. His comments still made her skin itch, and whenever she did say, “Well, what the hell does that mean,” he would laugh and say, “nothing I did not mean anything by it.”

            Silly of her to leave it at that, but love will turn you into a crash dummy for sure. Riley’s anger gave her the strength to avoid him for the entire week and almost through Niles’s visit. However, he decided to pop up to her apartment with a beautiful assortment of flowers.  He said upon her opening the door, “I did not know what your favorite was so I just took them all.” At first Riley just looked blankly at him and slammed the door shut, waited a few minutes while he squirmed, then opened it up to him again. Come in she said flatly, pleased that she could control her voice.

            “So, what brings you here?”

            “Riley,” he said “please talk to me, I have no idea why you have been hiding from me”

            “I am not hiding from you, I just have a lot to do and my brother is here so I wanted to give him all of my time.”

            “So, you do not want me around, is that it?”

            “Listen, don’t give me that, you did not want yourself around and I am not going to entertain nonsense so…”

            “Let me take you two to dinner, please, I want to be with you.”

Reluctantly, Riley agreed and she, Niles and her friend went to Cubano’s in the seaport, where they had a great time. Her friend seemed too interested in Niles degrees and at one point; she almost offered to produce his transcripts. She hoped he was not getting back on his foolhardiness, but as the night progressed he simmered down and everything ended well. Niles later told her he was a cool dude, except when he felt like an interviewee from all the questions. This combined with his continuous talk of Germany, troubled her brother to an extent “Am I blind sis, did I miss something?” Niles asked while cackling. “Dude, is cool, but he needs to get his mind right.” Was it just cultural differences? Riley was unsure, but he was a great person except for that one issue and so she decided to let him in again, slowly…

Colorful, feminine and flagrant Riley made her way to his table. Her friend, in an effort to make up his behavior invited her out for lunch the Saturday after Niles left, to a nice restaurant in the Park Slope area of Brooklyn. Riley, was pleased to get away from grading papers and jumped to the invite, but she still had reservations about him. She had to wait and see whether they could get back to where they were before Niles’s visit.  It was as if he could feel it and kept blowing hard. He was back to making plans and talking about the future- their future. Riley, however, was not feeling it. Something still seemed unsettling and her feelings were confirmed when he made an off the cuff remark about the waitress, “These young black girls that work these kinds of jobs need to consider school, I mean why get trapped here.” Riley, confused, asked, “What girls?” then realized who he was referring to and could not understand the relevance of his remark. The reality is that the girl looked not over a day of 17 and was more than likely still in high school. Riley, swallowed hard then, followed with a sip of her wine. He was finished and there was nothing left to consider. Riley, did not even respond, she enjoyed the rest of her lunch knowing this would be the last time she would spend time in his company. So, she went through the motions, and felt fine doing it as she knew that her heart was closed now because when she looked at him, she looked through him…

            BRNNGT BRNNGT,

            “Hello?”

            “Riley, girl, I have been trying to get you for weeks! Shannon and I are going out this coming Friday to celebrate her promotion.”

            “Oh Monica, forgive me, I have been so busy lately, but of course you can count me in.” That Friday, Riley and her two friends Monica and Shannon met at Dos Caminos in the     city. They chatted continuously about womanly things, clothes, shoes, and beaus with lots of giggles in between.

            Riley, asked, “What happened to Deb, I thought she wanted to come too?”

            “Girl,” Shannon said dramatically “Deborah has a new man in her life, she is actually thinking, or better they are thinking about marriage.”

            Marriage!

            “Yes honey,” Shannon quipped with a hiccup attached the alcohol was taking affect “to a Professor too.”

            “Wow,” Riley said excited.

            “Yup, he is Dean for the school of liberal arts and education over at City College. Mr. Germany ha, that is what me and Jackson calls him. We had dinner with them a couple of  nights ago and homeboy kept going on and on about Germany and much better it is…”

Riley almost choked on her wine. She could feel her body becoming hot and could not move. She felt frozen in time. Her head began to spin and she just felt like she would pass out. Shannon, not noticing anything kept bantering on about Deborah and her fiancé. Her fiancé!

The rest of the night was a blur, Riley got through it the best way she could, and managed not to put a damper on the celebration. She was done and she felt like there was nothing she wanted to do more than be as far away from him as possible. She did not want to confront him, argue with him or curse him out. She would let his deceitful ass fade to black as planned. He did not deserve anymore of her time. Deborah would not have to know anything either, they were not friends and she only knew her through Shannon. She knew it might not have been the right choice, but it was the best choice for her. She could not believe the entire situation and could not wait for this to be a part of her past; she was already leaving it in the dust, by putting one foot in front of the other. ““Mr. Germany,” Shannon called him,” Riley thought, this elicited a throaty laugh from her it was very fitting. Too bad, he was African.